Dec7

Is this normalcy these few days normal, I wonder? Is it odd that this is almost just another weekend for me? I remember him, fondly. But I don't quite pause my life to feel sad, or find melancholy, or contemplate his going. I let love, friends, reading, drinking, food, carry my life on like it does most of the time. This doesn't belittle them...but him?

Am I so callous as to carry on, merely doffing my hat to this day? Or is it as I often think- normalcy is my best tribute, cheer the most apt, living life well the most real? Is that the truth, is that what I really feel? Or is it- cynically- just convenient to believe that?

And then there is the flip side to the day. Celebration, wishes, happiness. I feel that very clearly, my wishes the occasion happy and true.

But here, in the lines I have written, I see me pausing. The melancholy and the missing, gently taps at my heart. I shed tears sometimes. Today, though they are nearby, I don't want them. In particular, I feel like I don't want them to be the symbol of today. There is no way I will feel I am marking his going 'aptly', so maybe keeping the tears away is just as well.

But then, they have a mind of their own.