futility -I

Shock. The incredulity of hearing news from a non credible source. Slowly sinking headlines. Iconic image. Cluttered sub text. Confusion. Speechlessness. Welling up. Silence. Text messages. trying to be articulate. Avoiding phone calls- both received and to be made, for fear of choking up on them. The inability to respond with normalcy. Grappling with the enormity of it all.

I started to read. I tried to see the videos. I had this lump of quiet in my throat, my mouth, my heart. A lump of impact but also of inability. I was, literally, unable to talk about it to the some people around me who were following it all. I didn’t want to talk with others (non Indians) who had questions about what really happened. I didn’t want to talk to some who were excited about the drama. I couldn’t bear to even listen to yet others who sounded like this was another tamasha to animatedly discuss, dissect and, dare I say, enjoy. I couldnt stand that.