unsent

my dear girl

things are not the same any more, are they? Of course not- they haven't been for the longest time. In some ways, I think you probably know that better than I. In fact, I am sure you do. But I suppose that says something about us, even if it something you won't like.

There were times when phone calls were restricted only by parents. When confiding was almost habit, and support was almost default. When tears were unabashed, and laughter even more so. Hands were held in understanding, friends made by extension, family loved with ease.
These are not those times anymore.

These are times of distance, not merely physical. These are times of privacy and care. Of quiet sadness and 'mature' reactions. Of quiet support, from afar. Of little bonding, and even less confession. Of rare phone calls, rarer letters. Of fewer common friends, and distant familes.

These years, instaed call for an understanding that we can't always live in our past, yet neither can we live off it. We cannot expect our past to somehow continue to be our present, nor can we expect our past to be enough for the present. There is dichotomy and contradiction. There is laxity and assumption.

Yet, there is still a bond. There always will be, for some that form, form to not fall away. But they do change in the way they exist. Their existence changes, but remains. Do you not get that? Am I being too simplistic in saying that? Worse, am I being callous, is it just convenent to 'get' this? But how can that be? I feel the bond, but I feel the change. I feel the distance, but not a weakening; so it doesn't hurt me. It does not weigh me down. I suppose, I have 'carried on'.
Now that sounded cruel. But I don't mean it so. I mean it honestly. Honestly, you still mean so much to me, we still share so much- but we share less and less in the present, and I don't find myself worrying about that. I know I have ways of finding it all easier to deal with (perpetuate, even?), but what must I do for you? I cannot bring back the old us, nor do I want to. I know you would have it that way ina trcie if you could. Maybe I would too, but I don't hope it, nor expect it...nor, wonder about it. It is an honesty that I feel helps me understand us now, and the lack of it does not let you accept us.

What honesty though, is this, that makes me write a letter to you I know you will probably never read.
But, I am not going anywhere.
Take care, you. Find your happiness.

-me