12.8.05

unsent

my dear girl

things are not the same any more, are they? Of course not- they haven't been for the longest time. In some ways, I think you probably know that better than I. In fact, I am sure you do. But I suppose that says something about us, even if it something you won't like.

There were times when phone calls were restricted only by parents. When confiding was almost habit, and support was almost default. When tears were unabashed, and laughter even more so. Hands were held in understanding, friends made by extension, family loved with ease.
These are not those times anymore.

These are times of distance, not merely physical. These are times of privacy and care. Of quiet sadness and 'mature' reactions. Of quiet support, from afar. Of little bonding, and even less confession. Of rare phone calls, rarer letters. Of fewer common friends, and distant familes.

These years, instaed call for an understanding that we can't always live in our past, yet neither can we live off it. We cannot expect our past to somehow continue to be our present, nor can we expect our past to be enough for the present. There is dichotomy and contradiction. There is laxity and assumption.

Yet, there is still a bond. There always will be, for some that form, form to not fall away. But they do change in the way they exist. Their existence changes, but remains. Do you not get that? Am I being too simplistic in saying that? Worse, am I being callous, is it just convenent to 'get' this? But how can that be? I feel the bond, but I feel the change. I feel the distance, but not a weakening; so it doesn't hurt me. It does not weigh me down. I suppose, I have 'carried on'.
Now that sounded cruel. But I don't mean it so. I mean it honestly. Honestly, you still mean so much to me, we still share so much- but we share less and less in the present, and I don't find myself worrying about that. I know I have ways of finding it all easier to deal with (perpetuate, even?), but what must I do for you? I cannot bring back the old us, nor do I want to. I know you would have it that way ina trcie if you could. Maybe I would too, but I don't hope it, nor expect it...nor, wonder about it. It is an honesty that I feel helps me understand us now, and the lack of it does not let you accept us.

What honesty though, is this, that makes me write a letter to you I know you will probably never read.
But, I am not going anywhere.
Take care, you. Find your happiness.

-me

28 thoughts:

livinghigh Saturday, August 13, 2005  

hey. wheels turning evenly, eh? nice touch. we've all been down dat tired road.

Anonymous Saturday, August 13, 2005  

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The Agony Aunt Sunday, August 14, 2005  

for a minute there i felt like my best friend was talking to me...

to say i identify with this would be something of an understatement.

empathy i guess.

vAgue Sunday, August 14, 2005  

agony: identify in what way, aa, pray tell. as the writer or the person it is written to....? do tell, both shall be interesting in different ways...

Anonymous Sunday, August 14, 2005  

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citrus Monday, August 15, 2005  

For a minute there I felt like AA's best friend was talking to her :)

Anonymous Monday, August 15, 2005  

unsent like alanis' unsent letters? think you should send it...

GratisGab Tuesday, August 16, 2005  

Excellent.

"...neither can we live off it"

How, how, true.

vAgue Tuesday, August 16, 2005  

anon: yes nsent like Unsent. But it is too hard to send it. too much trepidation that it will hurt....

gratis grab: Its such a strange thing- we know we cannot live off the past yet in SO MANY things we mostly do. Sometimes we feel it is justified and called for, at other times it seems like we are 'stuck' in the past. Perception has a knack of being convenient sometimes...

Penny Lane Tuesday, August 16, 2005  

Of rare phone calls, rarer letters. Of fewer common friends, and distant familes.

How do you regain what was? Do you know?

vAgue Tuesday, August 16, 2005  

Peny: I don't know, penny, I don't.
Maybe you dont regain what was. Maybe you just create something new. But who is to decide that the old is assigned to nostalgia and photo albums, and a 'new' must be ushered in? In such a scenario, who is to say.....and then, who is to say what the 'new' shall be?

Rat Tuesday, August 16, 2005  

From the archives ?

vAgue Tuesday, August 16, 2005  

rat: no. unfortunately not....very much from life as I know it

Mint Chutney Thursday, August 18, 2005  

"What honesty though, is this, that makes me write a letter to you I know you will probably never read".

Wonderful. Just wonderful. (Not so much for you, but for me as a reader). Thanks Vague.

vAgue Thursday, August 18, 2005  

mint: well, you're welcome, though I am not entirely sure in what way this was wonderful....if you related to it or just liked the sound if it....?

Anonymous Saturday, August 20, 2005  

Reminds me of all the letters I've been writing in my head since the 28th of May 2004. The receiver might even have replied in your words. His expressions would have been shorter, pressed.

Thank you for your words...and mine.

vAgue Saturday, August 20, 2005  

anon: thak you.
so does this remind you of your (unwritten) letters or his (probable) replies?

Rhyncus Sunday, August 21, 2005  

Wouldn't it be great if there was a similar letter, unsent, lying with her?

vAgue Monday, August 22, 2005  

rhyncus:um, I suppose it could, huh? But the thing is I know there cannot be. This is the way the writer sees things, but the person it is for just does not...

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Me Tuesday, December 02, 2008  

S, that's beautiful. Reading your writing again makes me imagine it in that calligraphic script. hours spent poring over each letter. each lovely word.

shakester Tuesday, December 02, 2008  

'Me'......whos you?!?

Me Wednesday, December 03, 2008  

the collector of letters, buffy and bridges across forever

Anonymous Wednesday, December 03, 2008  

ah. Well hello then, Me. thanks for the words, the harkening to the past.
What are you doing reading such an old post of mine, and howdidja get here? :)

-shakester

Anonymous Sunday, December 07, 2008  

:") found it during one of my many random meanderings :) your writing is brilliant, im glad you started it again.

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